Tell me, where is Sloane Street's Kilimanjaro? Cheyne Way's Everest? the Ben Nevis of Swan Walk? They don't exist. So why do people need expedition vehicles for a trip to the shops or to pick up the kids?
I'm referring here to what are known as Chelsea Tractors, the needless and wasteful piles of cow excrement such as the Porsche Cayenne and the BMW X5. They are huge, thirsty, and too tall to see through for dangers, should you have the misfortune to pull up at the side of one. Yeah, they go off-road, but only onto a footpath, and if you can drive an old Lancia Beta across an entire African country, a kerb won't defeat something like an Audi A4.
In fact, a kerb wouldn't defeat a bloody Caterham, so why do we need these six foot tall leviathans clogging up the artieries of Britain. They're clots, much like their owners. They should all be banned. Except 2...
'Series' Land Rovers, including the Defender, and Range Rovers, would not be banned under my system for 3 very good reasons. Firstly, they're British. They are made in the Midlands, at the former Rover SD1 factory in Solihull. Secondly, they are not bad looking - every time I see a Range Rover Classic or a proper Landie, I smile. And thirdly, they actually work off-road. However, to be allowed, they would have to do at least one tenth of their yearly mileage off-road. I don't object to 4x4s if they're used properly.
But the rest? X5s, Q7s, Cayennes and ML-Classes that are used, at best, on unpaved carparks?
Give them to the infamous Harry Seager - also known as Landie_Man or Rockdude online - for his next explosive film.